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This picture is the epitome of Thomas’ English Muffins. Except perhaps it’s a bit reversed. Or perhaps you’d much rather have one of those instead of me. Anyhow, isn’t it just adorable how that young man’s arm follows the beautiful contours of my body? Of course, when there’s really just one big bump there, it’s sort of hard to find a cranny. But he did, oh boy DID he! I know some wish they were little on bottom but big on top like I am, but I guess not everyone can have this bod! Pregnant women are jealous of my thin legs, but they avoid eye contact with my upper body. Still, they’re jealous! Except when you’re not pregnant, I guess that’s not something to brag about?

Verdict: A big cranny with a little nook might have been convincing, but this is just lard.

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We like to call my kind the “Out, down, in” type. You see, I was posing for a caricature artist (a full-body pose, of course), and when I got the drawing back, he’d made my front, well, a rectangle. I hear that those artists take your best features and accentuate them. Well, I’m not sure why I was drawn so much in the cubist style, but I think it’s adorable. Besides, my shirt provides all the visual stimulation you could ever want! I think this is a great look, from my lack of shape in the front to my toes extending over my shoes on the bottom. It’s a great style on a great shape, and I think the fashionistas will soon catch on. They don’t eat enough anyway.

Verdict: Seriously, at my age? This is just a wrong, wrong shape to have.

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I guess something you don’t learn when you grow up is that if you look borderline preggers, hot pink is the non-in color. I suppose this is hard for me to figure out, however, and so I will make a day of it and show off my stunning body. Sure, little Fido may be sensitive, but I’m proud of this thing I got going. Don’t you think my half-leggings draw even more attention to my nice tummy? I certainly think so. I could be pregnant but…no, I dunno, I just don’t think so! Note the awesome walk-dog-behind-body approach, so that passers-by get a look at me first, followed by my baby. Dog, that is. What’s wrong with you?

Verdict: Nothing is due for a long, long time.

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Yes, it’s true. I am one of the few, the proud, the only, in fact, to be on here and to be criticized about being too THIN instead of, well, you know. A bit husky like other people on this site.

I can’t help it if I’m thin.

I can’t help it if I will not have to go on a diet after giving birth.

I can’t help it if I’m thinner with child than most chicks without.

I can’t help it if I don’t suffer from pregnancy-onset kankle syndrome.

The story here? Don’t give ME crap just because you can’t look as awesome as I do, with child or without. I’m just one of those woman who can eat anything and everything she wants and never have to pay for it. Some preggers chicks have all the luck.

Verdict: Obviously preggers. Why are we still talking?

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If you think that this picture title is a compliment, you’re wrong.

Here’s why: Martha Stewart, contrary to popular belief, doesn’t have a great body. She’s got those skinny legs and a skinny top, but her waist and stomach bulge. It’s not ’cause of food. Don’t you always wonder why she’s always pictured behind counters and tables? She’s trying to hide that middle portion.

Me? I don’t even try to hide it. In fact, I try to make myself stand out with a bigger belly and a lovely beige rag–double the layers–to showcase it. In fact, I look like a teenager from the bottom…the cool slim shoes…the slim pants…and then BOOM! You hit my midsection with a visual and audio component that I’ll leave to the reader. Plus, I’ve got decades on all of you, so me being pregnant is out of the question.

Verdict: Preggers? Most certainly not. Tummy chub? Most certainly.

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Ah yes, nothing like an evening stroll, the lights fading in the darkness, the silhouettes against the beautiful night sky. I am here, I say, in all my glory. I am bringing you the 30tiered wedding cake! Whereas most females only have one bump in the upper chest region, or two if she is pregnant (or fat), I have three…it’s like my very own triumvirate tummy. I assimilate my fat layers to cake layers; 3 separate tiers provide 3 delicious varieties of fat: Upper, mid, and pooch, if you will, and I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. Hey, we all deserve the best, and I just figure that my three layers against the twinkling stars provide a true, multi-dimensional viewing experience.

Verdict: If you have 3-D glasses, put them on now for (non) full-frontal flab.

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Ok, so it’s pretty obvious that this picture is overwhelming. There are so many bright colors that the eye doesn’t even know where to go. Reds! Oranges! Pinks! Cabbages! Wait, I had several in my shopping bag…did I accidentally put one in my belly, or is that a kid in there?

Oh, I think it’s a kid. I mean, with this huge and bright dress, it’s not like I can really avoid it that well. If you have any doubts, just look. I mean, my bump is totally anatomically correct and if you ask me, one can’t look much more preggers than I do here.

Verdict: The bump is in the right place and I’ve never been accused of shoplifting cabbage.