JCPenney: It’s all inside. Clothing? Jewelry? Customers? It’s probably all true, but wait, could I even fit through the store door? Fitting through those revolving doors is tough enough, but along with that heavy load I’m carrying (and I’m not talkin about the bag), it’s altogether just too much to handle in my opinion. Seriously, if I don’t go on a diet soon, I could die of some terrible fat disease. Plus, they don’t even make clothing in 4X, do they?

Verdict: Not pregnant, but at this weight I wish she was.