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I know you may not suspect that I’d be a tour guide, but I sure am. I lead millions every year to watch, observe, and comment on the fat, the bold, and the beautiful. And the pregnant. Is that what I am? Or have I reached a big fat point of no return? Anyhow, my voice is sore from leading so many tour groups. I guess I’ll chug another Pepsi here to soothe my throat. What? What’s wrong with a few Pepsis? So judgemental.

Verdict: I may be tubby, but at least I have good grammar. Do you know how many people would have spelled that “Pepsis” above with an apostrophe?

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Ok, so admittedly I’m not a huge deal here. No, really. I just don’t know if this shirt would work on anyone. I’m not sure if I’m carrying child either. I don’t know about those big shoes. What I do know is that this outfit ain’t doin’ me pretty.

That dangerous bump in my midsection is quite realistic. Or is it real? Only time will tell. Of course, if it gets bigger, we won’t know anything until 7 or so months down the road. Look at it closely, though, well actually, I’d prefer you not. But if you do, you’ll notice that instead of jutting out in a nice round shape, I’m really bringing the fattier, flabbier, slightly crushed version of a belly here. It leads me to believe that perhaps…lavendar isn’t my color? Note the pants-induced creased bump. Minor, but majorly nasty.

Verdict: I’m only carrying flab.

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My shoes, my poor shoes. Do you realize how much stress they’re under? They’re thin enough to not support my delicate arches (I used to be a foot model), but now these shoes are practically the blame for my kankles. It’s a recent development, you know. I wasn’t born with ’em. Stinkin’ Mickey D’s gave ’em to me…and it’s no coincidence I’m standing outside the golden arches right here! Seriously, my shirt is too tight and I shouldn’t be allowed in public looking like this. Actually, I might be inspiring people not to eat at McDonald’s. Look at me! I’m an inspiration to young people everywhere!

Verdict: Gimme an E! Gimme an X! Gimme a–just excercise already. No pregnancy to look-e at here.

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Ok, let me be the first to admit it:

I’m a little bigger than your typical model. I don’t let my entire day consist of eating a single candy bar and smoking for the rest of the day.

That doesn’t mean I’m not proud. I’m a beautiful woman, and you know what? It shows. I was at the drive-thru this morning and when the girl asked, “You want fries with that?” I replied, “You want cleavage with that?” As my momma always said, you got it, you flaunt it! I just don’t think that most shirts really show enough of what I got. Sure, it hugs my curves down there. But what if I want to show more skin? See, that’s where most of the clothing companies get you. But you see, I got this thing going on with this shirt, and it’s letting me be me. It’s letting me express myself how I see fit. And if I want to show you my CLUCK (Crack of the Lower-Upper Chest Kingdom), I sure as heck can.

Essentially, if what you see here is not your cup of tea, then I suggest you walk on the other side of the street. I’ve got more than you can handle, SON!

Verdict: I may talk about a son, but I sure ain’t giving birth any time soon.

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This picture is the epitome of Thomas’ English Muffins. Except perhaps it’s a bit reversed. Or perhaps you’d much rather have one of those instead of me. Anyhow, isn’t it just adorable how that young man’s arm follows the beautiful contours of my body? Of course, when there’s really just one big bump there, it’s sort of hard to find a cranny. But he did, oh boy DID he! I know some wish they were little on bottom but big on top like I am, but I guess not everyone can have this bod! Pregnant women are jealous of my thin legs, but they avoid eye contact with my upper body. Still, they’re jealous! Except when you’re not pregnant, I guess that’s not something to brag about?

Verdict: A big cranny with a little nook might have been convincing, but this is just lard.

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We like to call my kind the “Out, down, in” type. You see, I was posing for a caricature artist (a full-body pose, of course), and when I got the drawing back, he’d made my front, well, a rectangle. I hear that those artists take your best features and accentuate them. Well, I’m not sure why I was drawn so much in the cubist style, but I think it’s adorable. Besides, my shirt provides all the visual stimulation you could ever want! I think this is a great look, from my lack of shape in the front to my toes extending over my shoes on the bottom. It’s a great style on a great shape, and I think the fashionistas will soon catch on. They don’t eat enough anyway.

Verdict: Seriously, at my age? This is just a wrong, wrong shape to have.