JCPenney: It’s all inside. Clothing? Jewelry? Customers? It’s probably all true, but wait, could I even fit through the store door? Fitting through those revolving doors is tough enough, but along with that heavy load I’m carrying (and I’m not talkin about the bag), it’s altogether just too much to handle in my opinion. Seriously, if I don’t go on a diet soon, I could die of some terrible fat disease. Plus, they don’t even make clothing in 4X, do they?

Verdict: Not pregnant, but at this weight I wish she was.

Happy New Year!

January 1, 2010

…and we’re back! We hope that our brief break didn’t cause you too much strife. We also assume that you’re more than eager to start surfing the folds of huge people, but in a digital, and not physical, form, as recently seen on TLC’s “World’s Heaviest Man.” We almost vomited during the shower seen too.

So here’s to a decade hopeful that people will get in better shape, but 10 years secretly gleeful that we’ll likely have much fodder for this site. So carry on, folks, but watch where you walk and what you wear!

To the best in 2010,

The Pregnant or Fat Team

To all of the Pregnant or Fat lovers and haters:

We’re going on hiatus until around the end of 2009. Please send in your pictures so that we can still take 2009 out with a bang and start 2010 off on the right kankle.

Thanks, and we’ll see you in a few months!

-The Pregnant or Fat Team

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I know you may not suspect that I’d be a tour guide, but I sure am. I lead millions every year to watch, observe, and comment on the fat, the bold, and the beautiful. And the pregnant. Is that what I am? Or have I reached a big fat point of no return? Anyhow, my voice is sore from leading so many tour groups. I guess I’ll chug another Pepsi here to soothe my throat. What? What’s wrong with a few Pepsis? So judgemental.

Verdict: I may be tubby, but at least I have good grammar. Do you know how many people would have spelled that “Pepsis” above with an apostrophe?

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Ok, so admittedly I’m not a huge deal here. No, really. I just don’t know if this shirt would work on anyone. I’m not sure if I’m carrying child either. I don’t know about those big shoes. What I do know is that this outfit ain’t doin’ me pretty.

That dangerous bump in my midsection is quite realistic. Or is it real? Only time will tell. Of course, if it gets bigger, we won’t know anything until 7 or so months down the road. Look at it closely, though, well actually, I’d prefer you not. But if you do, you’ll notice that instead of jutting out in a nice round shape, I’m really bringing the fattier, flabbier, slightly crushed version of a belly here. It leads me to believe that perhaps…lavendar isn’t my color? Note the pants-induced creased bump. Minor, but majorly nasty.

Verdict: I’m only carrying flab.

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My shoes, my poor shoes. Do you realize how much stress they’re under? They’re thin enough to not support my delicate arches (I used to be a foot model), but now these shoes are practically the blame for my kankles. It’s a recent development, you know. I wasn’t born with ‘em. Stinkin’ Mickey D’s gave ‘em to me…and it’s no coincidence I’m standing outside the golden arches right here! Seriously, my shirt is too tight and I shouldn’t be allowed in public looking like this. Actually, I might be inspiring people not to eat at McDonald’s. Look at me! I’m an inspiration to young people everywhere!

Verdict: Gimme an E! Gimme an X! Gimme a–just excercise already. No pregnancy to look-e at here.

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Ok, let me be the first to admit it:

I’m a little bigger than your typical model. I don’t let my entire day consist of eating a single candy bar and smoking for the rest of the day.

That doesn’t mean I’m not proud. I’m a beautiful woman, and you know what? It shows. I was at the drive-thru this morning and when the girl asked, “You want fries with that?” I replied, “You want cleavage with that?” As my momma always said, you got it, you flaunt it! I just don’t think that most shirts really show enough of what I got. Sure, it hugs my curves down there. But what if I want to show more skin? See, that’s where most of the clothing companies get you. But you see, I got this thing going on with this shirt, and it’s letting me be me. It’s letting me express myself how I see fit. And if I want to show you my CLUCK (Crack of the Lower-Upper Chest Kingdom), I sure as heck can.

Essentially, if what you see here is not your cup of tea, then I suggest you walk on the other side of the street. I’ve got more than you can handle, SON!

Verdict: I may talk about a son, but I sure ain’t giving birth any time soon.

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